The Lifestyle Concept

Love or Codependency

Couple in love at the beachThere is no doubt that my subject matters for my blogs do vary, don’t they? This is because I love to understand what happened in my own life to openly talk about the truth and to be able to help others better understand some elements of their lives. Love or Codependency is one I’d like to focus on today.

This week I heard Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber’s ex-girlfriend, talk very eloquently about her relationship and how what she deemed was a loving relationship was actually codependency. Codependency is a term first coined by Alcoholics Anonymous but has become a term used in all troubled relationships where there is a ‘need’ to be with each other, not based on love or mutual respect, but on the fact that neither party can live without the other. It’s almost like you are breathing the same air but neither is helping the other. As Susan Jeffers says (the author of ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’) dependency in a relationship causes some very unattractive side effects, e.g. anger, jealousy, resentment, clinging, nagging, all very unpleasant to live with. These self-defeating qualities are the result of a deep-seated fear of losing that which we see as the basis of our entire identity.

This can, in some cases, lead to a breakdown in the relationship. I know this because I have been there.  We almost ‘loved’ each other too much but not in a healthy way.

Of course, everything is about balance and I still maintain that having healthy boundaries is fundamental to a strong relationship.

Ideally, this is how a balanced relationship should look like;

Contribution HobbyLeisure
FamilyAlone timePersonal growth

Whereas many people do not have this and have a life completely out of balance.  What this slide indicates is that we need balance in our lives in order to have a balanced life.


*These tables are taken from Susan Jeffers’ book ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway‘ which is an amazing read. Thanks to my dear friend Rachel Lawrence for pointing out the book to me!

As you can see from the last slide, you have made your relationship with your entire world which is never going to be healthy. It is almost like you love too much or your partner does. That is why you can feel the pain of separation much harder. As explained, I know from personal experience the unbelievable pain I felt when my husband and I split. It was like I had had my identity ripped off me to the point that I could hardly remember who I was as a person.

If you need someone for support and guidance when you are coming out of a codependent relationship, you are more than welcome to call me on 07932 945738 to have a chat.

With love,

Tracey B x